I thought it wouldn't hurt this time, I thought I'd hardened my heart to the pain and excitement... but I think deep down I thought that this pregnancy was sort of a promise from God that he had not forsaken me in my darkness... I'm far enough along that if everything is okay they should be able to see something. I'm going in for and U/S at 12:45... My faith is so weak right now I have almost no hope of hearing good news.
It's funny how wrong all my presumptions were... I thought if I announced my joyous news to all my friends/family early it would somehow solidify this little life and give him/her some measure of permanence... I also thought, given how sick I’ve been the last 48 hours (all the pregnancy symptoms!) that I had jumped in to the "safe" category of pregnant women as one who displayed all the signs of a "strong" pregnancy. I guess there are no guarantees no matter what. I'm even more thankful for my son Luca now that I know how precarious this baby making thing is. I took it for granted that I could have children when I wanted. I guess I even had pride at how fast I was able to conceive... God forgive my pride and misplaced trust in things other than you!
Hope I have some good news for you all this afternoon... but if not I cling to a God who is found in the broken down...
***UPDATE***
So I do have good news! Thanks be to God my lil beans heart is still beating. I can only hope and pray it stays that way. The Doctor/Radiologist said everything looked great, cramping was normal/common in the first few weeks and they could not see a source for the bleeding (sorry for the TMI). They said it's most likely old blood from implantation. Keep praying for us.
God sure is teaching me to go to him in all things. I just pray I am as faithful in the valley as I am on the mountain Top. Though he slay us right?! XOXOX
My lil Bean
My heart is aching for you now, dear one. I know you have a couple hours left before you see the doctor, but I am praying for you. I won't pray for a miracle, and I won't pray for you to necessarily get what you WANT. But what I WILL pray is that God will be amazingly glorified in what you're experiencing today, whether that means using His amazing hands to heal you and this little one, or through your testimony to those you will encounter at the Doctor's office, or through the reminder of His hand holding you through every storm of life.
ReplyDeleteIn the name of transparency, I've always had a fear of what you're experiencing right now. It plagued me through my first pregnancy, and it's part of what keeps me from wanting to try again for our second one. Because the frustrating truth is that there are no guarantees in this fallen world. I am so grateful for God's hand holding us through every trial, every frustration, every hurt, and every joy. I pray that you feel that now more than ever before.
I love you!
Irene Thanks so much! I have definitely felt everyone's prayers! Thanks for your honesty, I pray we both be able to put our hope in Jesus! xoxox
ReplyDeleteAll I could ever tell you is: let it be the Lord's will. Every heartbreak, dissapointment, pain or lose I've indured, I have learned it to be good in God's perfect plan. He will never leave you, Psalm 121. Remember to always give thanks in all that He does for He is a perfect God, I love you and pray for strenght in spirit for you and your beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, I'm so sorry. When I posted the story about my bleeding fiasco I had MANY girls tell me that they too bled in the first trimester, and it wasn't just spotting but A LOT. I had cramping (still do, sometimes) all throughout the first trimester and thought I'd miscarry any second now. Fear is a terrible thing, giving Satan too much validation. I don't blame you for thinking this way, I felt the same way. I was sure my baby and its sac was going to come out any moment. But God had other plans and I asked him to look past my lack of faith. I cried and asked him to let my baby live. I begged him. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but the Bible has example after example where the prayer of His people, beseeching Him changed God's mind. He doesn't always answer with a YES, but he knows our hearts and he wants us to be honest and raw with him. I pray you have good news after your appt. And, if you don't, talk to Him and ask Him what he wanted from you instead, in this situation. Love you!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteNikki, given our conversation yesterday, I felt terrible when I read this at first! Thank God I scrolled to the end while skimming :) This is great news and I'm so happy for you. The first time around for me I had cramps from about 6 or 7 weeks through about 10 or all...the doc said it was just 'cause of the womb expanding and pushing other things around. Congrats on a strong heartbeat, and we'll keep praying for your and his continued health. Love you!
ReplyDeletePraise God!!!!!!! He works all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. That means a beautiful ending, no matter what the journey. :-)
ReplyDeleteSee? Sounds like you and I are learning the very same things lately. So glad God doesn't give up on us easily. happy joy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeletepraying that the Lord gives you the beautiful git of being parents to the little one growing inside of you! cling tight to Him!
ReplyDeletep.s. i bought the fireworks dress from forever 21, thanks for your input, i loved that dress the most