Miserable. Plain, old, simple Miserable.

Dear Diary,

I hate life today. I am miserable...

If i had a journal/diary, that's probably what today's entry would've started out as. I am miserable. Not just sick, or tired, or thirsty (because I am all those things) but miserable. I HATE being pregnant. HATE it, loathe, detest, despise, abhor, resent, am repulsed by... i think i almost have all the entries in the thesaurus for hate... this "wonderful" thing called pregnancy. I wont go in to the symptoms; but if you WANT to know you can google 8 weeks pregnancy symptoms and see what comes up. I HAVE ALL OF THEM, to the umpteenth degree and I want to cease to exist. I spent the last hour sitting in my tub with the light dimmed letting the water flow over me as I cried. Pathetic isn't it? but it's the only place there are no smells, just clean water. Any where else and the urge to vomit overtakes me. I don't know how I am staying composed enough to write this. Has any one ever gone insane from pregnancy? I'm on the precipice, and if it were a literal one I'm afraid I'd jump.

I'm not trying to be dramatic, it's simply all true. My mother said it will pass. She said I'll forget (pregnancy amnesia). That I will not think on it again. I hope with all my might that she's right.

Deary Diary,

Today was a bad day.

Love,

Nichole

:(

A Very Bacon Birthday

Today we are going to our friend Nate's Birthday party, which they have dubbed 'a Very Bacon Birthday' how clever is that? I'm depressed. The best party idea I ever came up with was... I'll have to take that back I've never thought of my own unique party idea. There goes that life dream of becoming an event planner in the style of J-Lo In the wedding planner. Oh well, the way I'm going I'd like to stay at home and make things... you know a home maker... except I can't cook, clean or decorate. OH-Well... But Bacon. Wow that's clever. Everything bacon! Even Bacon cup cakes. I'm excited to go and can only hope that the little alien invitro wont spoil the experience by making mama vomit (not a chance and that reminds me to blog about why anyone who goes through this pregnancy thing can bring themselves to do it again! I've already talked to the doctor about getting the tubes tied and they said you can't until you've had 2 kids, girls gotta try as miserable as I've been).

SO next week is my birthday, the big 24, only one more year until my aging process (at least the number value) stops going up. What brilliant party idea can I possibly come up with by then?! The princes parties been done (wedding dress attire, quite fun really), the cup cake parties the Chuck E Cheeses where a grown up can be a kid...I just don't know. I guess I'll just have people over, blow out my 2ND to last birthday candles and look back upon the 24Th birthday party as one that was obscure as any other. Bollocks!!! darn you Nate and your genius idea!

Real Estate Heaven?! Whats what about Whats.

To buy or not to buy. That is the question?

Scott and I are contemplating embarking in to the world of home ownership. Given the current economical climate I find this extrememly duanting. There are simply too many what ifs involved for my piece of mind. 'What if Scott gets laid off?', 'what if I get laid off?' what if the car breaks down and we need a new one, what if the baby needs formula... on and on it goes. Clearly I don't take the biblical principles of casting all your fears/worries on Christ literally. It all sounds so good on paper! (funny video about trusting God... Got it From Tim Neatrour... boy does it represent how I feel about trusting God sometimes! view here: Trust Fall .

On top of all the misgivings are people's well meant advice (that is a whole other list of whats...). Why is it that people offer unsolicited advice any ways? Who said what was best for them would be best for us? UGGH! So many whats! Why do I even want a house? So many things to ponder over.

Perhaps for now, the best course of action would be nothing. Our current situation suits us, there is no hurry to begone, and there is family and support. After all God knows the desires of our hearts... I will wait upon God, purposefully praying for his will to be revealed in our life. If only i could have a patient heart (i'm not even brave enough to pray for that one) lol.

Cool blog about home owner ship in a biblical perspective Homeowner ship.

Alright, this was really just a short little rant. Any insight would be appreciated; advice not necessarily followed... :P

Unexpectedly Expecting.

So today I find myself 7 weeks pregnant. Oh. My. God. Exactly how I got to this I don't know. (okay we all know HOW we get ourselves to this point, but the particulars are still blurred around the edges).

Immediately these thoughts have come to mind;

I'm too young

I'm not done with nursing school

we don't have a house

we're too young...

I'm not ready...(is there an echo??)

Those and about a thousand other hugely 'minor' details are all racing headlong through my mind. Am I excited? Sure. am I terrified? Definitely. Do I know how to reconcile the future I'd been planning with this new one... I have no idea.

BUT. I know that all things work for the Good of those who love him, and who've been called according to his purpose. And i know he hasn't given me more then I can handle, and I'm scared enough to recognize the joy I should have right now, will probably come when I've had a minute or two to process the inevitable.

Your prayers are greatly appreciated! I know this is a happy thing. I'm just enormously overwhelmed.

<3

Nichole