Scott and I had a miscarriage early this year and it was devastating…(in the same month that I said goodbye to both of my grandfathers) I wondered why God would allow us to get pregnant if we were just going to lose it…Why there was so much loss in such a short time... The excitement, the joy, the expectations and then the let down… I’m not going to sugar coat it; the whole experience was awful… There was guilt, that I may have done something wrong, relief that I had a reprieve from the nine months of being miserable (I had a bad pregnancy last time), guilt again for feeling relief, devastation at the thought of my imagined little one not existing any more…and then there was the physical; the labor pains with out a reward…and the blasé attitude of friends and loved ones. For a few days I lost myself in grief and wallowed in self pity.
I look back at those few days and praise God for an understanding, loving husband, whose feet were firmly planted on the Rock while I was on sinking sand… My heart has always been quick to be turn on God, this was no exception:
“God, why have you turned your face from me? Why are you so far from my cry? Why is my groaning not known to you?” I cried out to the Lord in my sadness of heart and to my amazement He did not shy away from my devastation. Instead of being “stuck” He breathed new life and peace back in to me like I have never known before. This may not seem like a big deal to some but I truly believe my peace was a miracle done for me by a living, loving God…On my knees I realized that my little one was not lost, but had gone straight to the arms of Jesus. My Father flooded me with the realization and knowledge that I could love on and empathize with loved ones who have lost their little ones…That I could stand in the Gap for them and intercede for them in a way not all can. God claimed victory in that place in me that would not yield to him, a place I would not surrender, a thing that held me captive…Fear… I was afraid of losing everything, my husband, my son, my life; but in the lowest place I was redeemed by the power of the Blood…I learned that in Him, who is near to the broken hearted I would not be consumed. In giving up a child to be with the Father I gained freedom and will no longer be a captive to fear. I am so excited at what God is doing in our family!!! I look forward to seeing the works of his hands now that we are saying:
“Yes Lord!! We count it all as lost, though you slay us, you will never leave nor forsake us…we want to truly be found faithful and be followers of you until the end”
Where does that lead us? I’m not sure!! Hahaha!!! We are listening!! Wee are waiting!!! Ready to do His will! I pray that we would have the opportunity to witness to the lost, to love those who feel unlovable and to have the great privilege to be in the midst of what God is doing!!! We’ve also decided to see what the Lord would have for us as far as more children (knowing the Lords heart is close to the ministry of adoption or whether he would bless us with more biological ones first). I’m just so excited and glad! He truly makes all things new!!! Amen?! Amen!
The musings of a mother, wife and traveller of life
