Okay, so I know outward beauty is not supposed to be important, but as the scale continues to creep up I am beginning to lose sight of that; losing sight of the beauty that there is in carrying new life. All I can think about is going on a diet, running a marathon, starting up P90x again. It is really becoming an idol in my life. I wonder if Eve had the kind of body images issues so many of us seem to have today... She probably never looked in a mirror/or at her reflection. Heck she was the current day standard, no one around to compare herself to... Yet I have a sneaking suspicion that she thought there must've been flaws, I mean once sin was introduced she ran fast to cover up right!?
So where does that leave me? How with an amazing husband (who validates me and tells me I'm beautiful at every turn), a sweet little family who is growing in size and in love can I stare at my reflection with something that is frighteningly similar to loathing!? I'm not sure. God continues to humble me and drive me to my knees... Even with something as silly as vanity. Why am I telling you all this? Well I’ve been challenged lately that the enemy can only attack what I leave in the dark…so I want to bring this darkness to light. I don't want to be held captive by a number on the scale, the size on my clothing tags or the image reflecting back at me. I don't want to be self-absorbed, self-conscience and so centered on myself. It's ugly. It's not right and it really stops me from being in the center of God's will (whatever that might be at a given moment).
Does that mean I won't work out when the time comes up... no. I just don't want to be a slave to a standard I can't reach...My prayer this week is that God would continue in His mercy to reveal these dark places… that I would be quick to bring darkness to light, that I might have a heart like His.
Pray for me folks! I'll continue to pray for all of us to be conformed not to this world but to image of Christ Jesus. We are “image bearers” after all. So we are Beautiful.
Verse for me today: Psalm 119 9-11
9 How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
I battled this last pregnancy and I'm starting to battle it this time around too. It doesn't matter how many people tell you you look great, it's how you feel. And unfortunately while in theory it's something you can control, your weight, during pregnancy it suddenly becomes something you have less control of than every before. It's like even if you don't gain a lot of weight, the way your body is going to grow is totally out of your hands. I think it's hard for all women, but for women who are naturally pretty thin or stay within a particular weight range most of our lives (which I count both of us in that category) I think it's especially hard! I don't have an answer to this or an easy fix, it's totally an inner demon of mine as well and one I THOUGHT I had overcome last time but I think part of me knew I'd face it again. And while everyone tells me I look like I've eaten a big meal, I'm going crazy because I seriously think everyone is blind. Will that stop me from eating? Heck no, but it's enough to keep me away from mirrors when I can avoid it :)
ReplyDeleteNikki- I'm not even pregnant and I stubble with the same things! In fact, my New Year's resolution was to become more self-confident. Regardless of how I think I look, how clumsy I feel, how I sometimes do really ditzy things, my Creator still loves me (as does Steve) and I continue to reject that love making my own judgmental perception of myself an idol. So if you have any good hints to become more self-confident- I'd like to hear 'em :)
ReplyDelete