I. am. Insecure. - not staying in the dark.

Okay, so I know outward beauty is not supposed to be important, but as the scale continues to creep up I am beginning to lose sight of that; losing sight of the beauty that there is in carrying new life. All I can think about is going on a diet, running a marathon, starting up P90x again. It is really becoming an idol in my life. I wonder if Eve had the kind of body images issues so many of us seem to have today... She probably never looked in a mirror/or at her reflection. Heck she was the current day standard, no one around to compare herself to... Yet I have a sneaking suspicion that she thought there must've been flaws, I mean once sin was introduced she ran fast to cover up right!?
So where does that leave me? How with an amazing husband (who validates me and tells me I'm beautiful at every turn), a sweet little family who is growing in size and in love can I stare at my reflection with something that is frighteningly similar to loathing!? I'm not sure. God continues to humble me and drive me to my knees... Even with something as silly as vanity. Why am I telling you all this? Well I’ve been challenged lately that the enemy can only attack what I leave in the dark…so I want to bring this darkness to light. I don't want to be held captive by a number on the scale, the size on my clothing tags or the image reflecting back at me. I don't want to be self-absorbed, self-conscience and so centered on myself. It's ugly. It's not right and it really stops me from being in the center of God's will (whatever that might be at a given moment).
Does that mean I won't work out when the time comes up... no. I just don't want to be a slave to a standard I can't reach...My prayer this week is that God would continue in His mercy to reveal these dark places… that I would be quick to bring darkness to light, that I might have a heart like His.
Pray for me folks! I'll continue to pray for all of us to be conformed not to this world but to image of Christ Jesus. We are “image bearers” after all. So we are Beautiful.

Verse for me today: Psalm 119 9-11
9 How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
10 I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
11 I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.

The Plague and some baby blues~

So I know I promised to blog more... And yet here I am 4-5 weeks from my last post finally posting a blog (and this one will have to be short). I really did mean to write something sooner, but the Haun house hold has just begun to recover from the Plague (not the real plague of course, that was deadly and bubonic) but the pneumonia inducing (at least in Scott’s case see his pict at hosp), fever spiking, nose dripping, lying in bed 24-7 variety of plague… and I’m cautiously declaring our freedom from the nasty little virus that is now making its way through the Rivera house hold (sorry fam!).PRAISE GOD!!! Their recovery couldn’t have come at a better time because today I am 12 weeks pregnant and more exhausted then ever!


Exhaustion is my new way of life. It seems that I rarely have a moment in which I feel like myself. I’m definitely not one of these “I love being pregnant” type gals, the end result is worth it (at least it feels that way at the end) but all this in between stuff is not for the weak at heart. Every day I think the nausea is starting to subside and decide that it will be the day I wean myself off Zofran (the miracle morning sickness drug), and every day I throw up everything I’ve had that day and then some… and dig my Zofran out of the drawer…so it looks like my love affair with it will continue… It worries me a little because there has not been much research done on it, but the midwives keep assuring me that it is safe… hmmm When do the benefits ever really outweigh the risks? …


In other prego news I have not been able to shake feelings of general sadness. I’m not a sad person, I love to laugh, play, sing dance and I haven’t really felt like doing any of that these last few weeks. I’ve been feeling disconnected with everyone and everything and even with this pregnancy… It’s been rough I’m not going to lie. It’s been a struggle to get out of bed and put my clothes on! SO if you are a little prayer warrior would you mind adding me to your list!? The enemy sure knows how to speak lies to us in our most vulnerable moments… I’m trying to cling to the truth that God will never leave me or forsake me! I have my 12 week checkup today at 2:15 maybe that will give me some excitement over new baby and cheer me up!


Today’s High- Getting to go to my 12 week check up!
Today’s Low- Having to take a jug of my pee to my 12 week check up to get a baseline on my protein (gross, tmi, I know)
OOOOO can’t wait to share my Luca 2 year old birth day ideas!!! VERY COOL!!! xoxox



(can you tell i'm hoping girl?) lol

When there’s work to be done and no where to begin…

So this is what happens when I actually have a ton of work to do, sans the capability, desire or wherewith all to begin… BLOGS AKA my method of procrastination.

Life as a pregnant woman continues; 40 more days, 5 ½ more weeks. It feels a lot like running the Marine Corps marathon did… you are at mile 20 and know you’re in the home stretch… part of you wants to muster every last bit of energy (real or imagined) and high tail it for the finish; but yet another part of you wants to lay right where you tread at the prospect of going another 10k (UPHILL). Where am I in that spectrum? Most days I’m somewhere in between; I some how pick up one foot and place it in front of the other and grow bigger and bigger and utterly more exhausted from lack of sleep. UGGGH

I’m thankful however that despite my exhaustion Luca is still doing well. At the 33 week appointment both the midwife and the perinatologist said he was measuring ahead (35 weeks according to the sonogram and fundus height). He was 5 lbs 11oz! I know babies that are born that big! Apparently this whole single umbilical artery isn’t holding him back in the least… I mean he’s in the 90th percentile... WOW-I’m already having dreams of retiring early as my little QB takes care of his mama!!! -------- Okay reining in the fantasies and just praying for the continued health of my little man.

I just realized summer is almost over. It makes me sad. The days start getting a little shorter, the sun going down a little sooner, friends and siblings (Ver & Lala ) have all left from their summer sabbaticals back to the realities of school, exams and student teaching. Why is it that even after the long months of summer festivities and merry making that the chest constricts and the mind flies in to a flurry of things NOT done? Wasn’t that what made those things more enjoyable? That they were rare moments as opposed to the every day norm? Hmmm Carpe Diem right? This summer did have it’s moments that I will remember and smile back on… The Nikki Peacock-Turtle (my man hunt dance for when I’m on the prowl for GOOD looking CHRISTIAN men) for my gorgeous single ladies (you know who you are), watching movies outside on sleeping bags projected on to the garage, the ‘raise the roof’ Lala style props- giving, making lye bombs on the street and teaching all the neighborhood kids how (and consequently that adults are complete idiots sometimes), going to the pool in a bikini despite the bulbous condition of my stomach and of course learning how to trust God when the odds are against you. Maybe I shouldn’t be so sad; it was a GREAT summer and there’s still Cox’s farm pumpkin picking, and Christmas tree outings to look forward to… WITH Luca no less!!!

Highs: Realizing tomorrow is Friday, only 40 days of pregnancy left (almost there) and sleeping in Saturday

Lows: I STILL have 40 days left of pregnancy, realizing tomorrow is Friday and I have to take the med term final and most depressing...having nothing left over which to procrastinate on and facing the gargantuan pile of work on my desk… oh well.

Unexpectedly Expecting.

So today I find myself 7 weeks pregnant. Oh. My. God. Exactly how I got to this I don't know. (okay we all know HOW we get ourselves to this point, but the particulars are still blurred around the edges).

Immediately these thoughts have come to mind;

I'm too young

I'm not done with nursing school

we don't have a house

we're too young...

I'm not ready...(is there an echo??)

Those and about a thousand other hugely 'minor' details are all racing headlong through my mind. Am I excited? Sure. am I terrified? Definitely. Do I know how to reconcile the future I'd been planning with this new one... I have no idea.

BUT. I know that all things work for the Good of those who love him, and who've been called according to his purpose. And i know he hasn't given me more then I can handle, and I'm scared enough to recognize the joy I should have right now, will probably come when I've had a minute or two to process the inevitable.

Your prayers are greatly appreciated! I know this is a happy thing. I'm just enormously overwhelmed.

<3

Nichole