Quick Thoughts - Learning to lean on Him

Long time no post I know… I’m settling in to this whole new world of being a mom… again. Thoughts are creeping in on all sides … good and bad. Feelings of inadequacy are teeming at the surface and every once in a while I feel just a bit like an ostrich sticking its head in the dirt. Everyone can still find me but I’m desperate to hide. Don’t get me wrong I’m excited to embark on this new journey. Staying at home and being with my TWO kids; but I’m afraid I won’t be good enough, won’t teach the right things and won’t impart the right knowledge… Let’s face it I AM inadequate… My new prayer is that Abba- Daddy would be with me, be my sustenance, cover my inadequacies, and protect my children …even from me!
So it begins; in 6 weeks I start my maternity leave and a week or two after that I have my daughter Eliana (PTL I don’t have to go any later than 39 weeks, sorry if that appalls some of you, but the knowledge that they will let me induce then as a 2nd time mom keeps me sane… and it’s a cool day Leap day!!). I am seeing everything through Rose/pink colored glasses! I’m excited for frilly dresses and toe nail polish… but I’m terrified of screwing her up… I’m sure you can screw up a son just as easily… but it doesn’t feel that way… somehow it seems that even before she is born there are already expectations the world has for her. That she be thin, that she be successful, that she be coy without being trashy… How do I give her confidence and self-assurance without instilling all these worldly values!? Me who am constantly plagued by the needle on the scale or the way an outfit looks or a fly away hair? How do I teach Eliana that she is a daughter of the King - without tainting her with the world? I think I’ll stick my head back in the ground thank you… I guess it all goes back to relying on Jesus who is adequate in my inadequacies… Pray for me friends not to worry so much!!! Boy do I feel refined by fire before my little one is even here!
Well that’s it…. just a few thoughts I wanted to squeeze out.

Happy Friday!

I'm so grateful its Friday you can't even begin to imagine how much!!! I know you shouldn't "wish your life away" for the weekend but I love the down time and hanging out with my family so much it’s hard not to want to skip the stuff in between!
Scott starts his FE/PE Prep courses today! I’m so proud of him and excited that he’s moving forward with his career. Even though I am thrilled he’s moving onward I had a hard time letting him go this morning! We have never been a part in the 3 + years or marriage! Not for more than a few hours (a work day). I’m not really looking forward to 3 weekends of him being away. I am so thankful however that he’s willing to make this sacrifice for the betterment of our family and that God didn’t let things with the Air force pan out because I wouldn’t have made a very good military wife. I’m selfish and want Scott to be with me ALL the time!!!Seriously I have one GREAT man! Let me brag on him for a second; when I get home from work dinner is on the table… he does this somehow while still picking up Luca from “grandmas”/babysitters, having significantly less sleep then me ( leaves 2 hours BEFORE me for work in the AM, even though he stays up with me at night because he wants to be with me)… then after all this he gives Luca a bath ( Luca prefers him to do this because I’m not as fun, I sit and read a book while he bathes while Scott makes bath time fun by introducing car noises, rocket ships crashes and sharks swimming in the tub). Every Friday he brings Luca to see me at work along with a huge salad...and as if all this was not enough he gets up and cooks breakfast for me and Luca on the weekends(normally whatever Luca is craving; pancakes or doughnuts and whatever I’m craving!) AND my personal favorite thing;he always keeps my car filled with gas… I don’t even know when/how he does it… but I never put gas in my car. EVER… It’s always magically full… Sigh… THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU JESUS FOR MY GIFT OF A HUSBAND!!! Ha-ha that’s only the tip of the iceberg but you get the picture (thanks for letting me brag for a bit). Sigh… can’t wait for these classes to be over!!!
The other reason I feel like I really need him the next few weekends is that I was diagnosed with Complete Placenta Previa yesterday. I’m not on bed rest or anything but I’m not supposed to be lugging Luca around or doing a ton of physical activity (hard to do with a 2 year old!). I’m really glad to have a reason behind my complications though.*TMI WARNING*** MENTION OF WOMANLY THINGS*** If you’ve read my blog before you know I’ve had a few scares (when I thought I might be miscarrying b/c of bleeding) and have had on going problems with spotting... Well it turns out if the placenta is covering the cervix, blood can sometimes leak out. The hope is (since I’m still pretty early on) that the Placenta will move up as the baby does (it never moves down). If it doesn’t completely move off the cervix then I will have to have a C-section… but we are taking things one day at a time. Last night the Elders at Oasis motorcycle ministry ( I was leading worship for their annual retreat) felt prompted to lay hands on me… so maybe that darn placenta’s already moved up through the power of the Holy Spirit working by their faith! May it be so!!! My mom was pretty funny when I told her about the Placenta Previa… she said
‘You Just can’t have a normal pregnancy can you”… ha-ha I said
‘no mom I guess I can’t! But I’m truly grateful to God because he knows how complacent I get. If it weren’t for Luca’s SUA/Preeclampsia and Baby Jo-Jo Haun’s (as Luca told me the baby was called last night/ probably because his lil best friend is Oliva-Jo or Jo-Jo) Placenta Previa/ beginning stages of Preeclampsia (utters prayer against this) I wouldn’t have prayed/been praying for my babies… To God be all the Glory in all things right?! His ways and thoughts are truly higher than ours (Isaiah 55). I will never stop being amazed at his sovereignty, providence and mercy!
SO I will end this longer than normal blog with a request for MORE prayers. I truly believe that our Lord desires the prayers of his saints. Together we can do all things in Christ Jesus who is our Strength. I am declaring victory over my pregnancy in the Name of Jesus and consider all these present trials pure Joy because I know that the testing of my faith is producing perseverance! And hopefully I can let that perseverance finish its work so that I may be mature and complete not lacking in anything!

Lows: Finding out I had a complete placenta Previa
Highs: Being prayed over for healing by tough bikers for Jesus and realizing that God has his hand on even this.

Jumped the gun?

I'm very sad right now. This morning I had some spotting and now I have cramping. I officially think something is terribly wrong with my body that at 26 years old i can't seem to hold on to a pregnancy again(if this is the beginnings of a miscarriage)... which we all must admit it just might be.

I thought it wouldn't hurt this time, I thought I'd hardened my heart to the pain and excitement... but I think deep down I thought that this pregnancy was sort of a promise from God that he had not forsaken me in my darkness... I'm far enough along that if everything is okay they should be able to see something. I'm going in for and U/S at 12:45... My faith is so weak right now I have almost no hope of hearing good news.

It's funny how wrong all my presumptions were... I thought if I announced my joyous news to all my friends/family early it would somehow solidify this little life and give him/her some measure of permanence... I also thought, given how sick I’ve been the last 48 hours (all the pregnancy symptoms!) that I had jumped in to the "safe" category of pregnant women as one who displayed all the signs of a "strong" pregnancy. I guess there are no guarantees no matter what. I'm even more thankful for my son Luca now that I know how precarious this baby making thing is. I took it for granted that I could have children when I wanted. I guess I even had pride at how fast I was able to conceive... God forgive my pride and misplaced trust in things other than you!

Hope I have some good news for you all this afternoon... but if not I cling to a God who is found in the broken down...

***UPDATE***
So I do have good news! Thanks be to God my lil beans heart is still beating. I can only hope and pray it stays that way. The Doctor/Radiologist said everything looked great, cramping was normal/common in the first few weeks and they could not see a source for the bleeding (sorry for the TMI). They said it's most likely old blood from implantation. Keep praying for us.

God sure is teaching me to go to him in all things. I just pray I am as faithful in the valley as I am on the mountain Top. Though he slay us right?! XOXOX


My lil Bean

New life in a season of loss

Scott and I had a miscarriage early this year and it was devastating…(in the same month that I said goodbye to both of my grandfathers) I wondered why God would allow us to get pregnant if we were just going to lose it…Why there was so much loss in such a short time... The excitement, the joy, the expectations and then the let down… I’m not going to sugar coat it; the whole experience was awful… There was guilt, that I may have done something wrong, relief that I had a reprieve from the nine months of being miserable (I had a bad pregnancy last time), guilt again for feeling relief, devastation at the thought of my imagined little one not existing any more…and then there was the physical; the labor pains with out a reward…and the blasé attitude of friends and loved ones. For a few days I lost myself in grief and wallowed in self pity.
I look back at those few days and praise God for an understanding, loving husband, whose feet were firmly planted on the Rock while I was on sinking sand… My heart has always been quick to be turn on God, this was no exception:
“God, why have you turned your face from me? Why are you so far from my cry? Why is my groaning not known to you?” I cried out to the Lord in my sadness of heart and to my amazement He did not shy away from my devastation. Instead of being “stuck” He breathed new life and peace back in to me like I have never known before. This may not seem like a big deal to some but I truly believe my peace was a miracle done for me by a living, loving God…On my knees I realized that my little one was not lost, but had gone straight to the arms of Jesus. My Father flooded me with the realization and knowledge that I could love on and empathize with loved ones who have lost their little ones…That I could stand in the Gap for them and intercede for them in a way not all can. God claimed victory in that place in me that would not yield to him, a place I would not surrender, a thing that held me captive…Fear… I was afraid of losing everything, my husband, my son, my life; but in the lowest place I was redeemed by the power of the Blood…I learned that in Him, who is near to the broken hearted I would not be consumed. In giving up a child to be with the Father I gained freedom and will no longer be a captive to fear. I am so excited at what God is doing in our family!!! I look forward to seeing the works of his hands now that we are saying:
“Yes Lord!! We count it all as lost, though you slay us, you will never leave nor forsake us…we want to truly be found faithful and be followers of you until the end”

Where does that lead us? I’m not sure!! Hahaha!!! We are listening!! Wee are waiting!!! Ready to do His will! I pray that we would have the opportunity to witness to the lost, to love those who feel unlovable and to have the great privilege to be in the midst of what God is doing!!! We’ve also decided to see what the Lord would have for us as far as more children (knowing the Lords heart is close to the ministry of adoption or whether he would bless us with more biological ones first). I’m just so excited and glad! He truly makes all things new!!! Amen?! Amen!